


Has the World Really Turned Upside Down?

by tsukki_rising



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:01:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25029688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsukki_rising/pseuds/tsukki_rising
Summary: Bella comes to terms with the Cullen's secret and her and Edward's friendship is becoming stronger with the newfound honesty. Though, maybe Bella has a secret of her own.
Relationships: Alice Cullen & Bella Swan, Edward Cullen/Bella Swan
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

Ever since last night, through this morning my mind has been so preoccupied with the conformation to my suspicions. I mean, could you blame me? How long do you think it'd take you to digest the fact that your only real friend isn't actually 100% human? Not only do I now know that Edward is a vampire, but I'm also now running through my belief in all the mythical creatures people dress up as on Halloween. Vampires are real, but surely not zombies. That much is common sense to me now because those are hard facts. Stone cold, like Edward's skin. But what about fairies? ghosts? werewolves? 

I take a moment and I breathe. In English, I focus on the scuff marks on the edge of my desk. The smudges of chalk on the corner of the blackboard. I ground myself with things that are real and undeniable, as I try to wrap my head around a new thing that is totally real and undeniable. Edward is a vampire. But not a murderer. He is over a hundred years old. And we go to school together. And he can read minds, but not mine. 

I have a new friend in school in Forks and he is a vampire, him and his whole family.

My mind has been so flooded trying to work out the mechanics of Edward being a vampire and all that that entails that I forgot about the presence of his four siblings who are also vampires. I trip and almost fall flat on my face when I enter the cafeteria and see them in the farthest corner. 

Jessica stops her walking and looks at me with a mixture of concern and irritation. "What's going on Bella? You've been avoiding conversation all day so I figured you just didn't want to talk but you actually look pretty sick. Are you gonna barf?" 

I didn't even realize I was walking next to her, my body must have been running autopilot while my brain has been burning all of its old files on spooky stories that are definitely not real. I look at her now and as much as I can muster on the surface, I become somewhat aware of those around me.

"I am so sorry, I, I just feel kind of sick. I'm gonna go to the bathroom." and I give her a half-smile and a small wave as I make my way in the opposite direction of the line for food. 

On my way past rows of lockers, I replay the happenings of only 30 seconds ago. The Cullen table. I was paralyzed by the sight of them previously, captivated, but with this all-new information on top of that now, I can barely think about them without my mind shutting down, drawing only blanks. I walked in and they were looking at me. Do they know that I know? Are they mad? Mad at me or at Edward? Edward. He wasn't there, at their table as usual. This is just about the straw that broke the camels back, except it's my sanity that is in jeopardy in this situation. I halt my march to the bathroom and automatically turn my head to look back at the cafeteria as if I could turn on some x-ray vision and look through the walls to see that he is there with his siblings, silent and staring off into space as usual. And it turns out I don't need x-ray vision. Edward is right behind me reaching out a hand to tap on my shoulder and get my attention. Instead with the suddenness of my spin to match the spinning in my head, his hand lands on my collar bone. If only for a brief moment before he snatches away his icy hand and holds both of them behind his back suddenly looking at the floor like he's shy about the contact. Shy about physical contact after he's already broken my reality with his words. As if he didn't touch me much more when he was pushing me out of the way of a car crash and saving me.

It looks like he had something to say before his spontaneous and idiotic insecurity. So I speak first. Well, I make an attempt to. It comes out as more of a confused choke. As he looks at me with pity like it pains him to watch me break, I'm fueled to get my words straight and ask the first thing that comes to mind. 

"Where were you?" I look him in the eyes with confidence, pretty sure that my sentence was coherent. 

"Where was I when?" I almost thought his patient confusion was a response to my chaotic, unintelligible words. But he just didn't understand the question.

"In the cafeteria. Did the others disown you or something because you told me? As usual, they were impossible to read but I did clearly see that you weren't with them." I guess it's quite silly to think they'd shun him as if they weren't infinitesimally more mature than the rest of the high school population, what with I guess all the experience they'd have after being teenaged for quite a while. Regardless, I don't betray my doubt, my confusion is churning into frustration in my skull. 

He closes his eyes to concentrate, maybe I didn't let show my doubt in my own words but now I feel like he could smell it on my breath or see it through my eyes. He speaks slowly, in a questioning tone as if he is questioning my ability to understand English. "I was at a table just a few over from your friends'. I thought you'd see me and know I wanted to talk. You didn't even take the time to look anywhere but my usual table before you rushed out. Were you that disgusted at the thought of what I am? What I and my family are?"

I need to take a breath. Instantly I can't believe he could ever think that I could be disgusted by him or his family. Though he shattered my sense of reality last night, he is my friend and he's saved my life multiple times and each of him and his siblings' beauty is like that of the bloom of an exotic, yet to be discovered flower. Disgusted?

"No. Never." I have to get out before he can settle into the absurd idea that I am disgusted by him. And before he can get into his whole "you should be scared" bit I explain. "There is no way I could be disgusted by you when you've given me no reason. If anything I'm inclined to have high expectations for the character of any vampires I meet from here on out. You are my only genuine friend in this town Edward." and I realize this as it comes out of my mouth, "Your diet doesn't change anything between us. You still saved my life. Twice. And you're still my lab partner." This calms the storm in my brain, I realize that nothing has changed, my friend and his family are vampires and that was true even before I knew about it. It didn't affect how I saw them before and it doesn't need to now. I smile "I was just a little shell-shocked"

He wears a cautious smile but at least looks somewhat relieved, "Maybe it'd help if I could give you more answers. You seemed to have a lot more questions when I dropped you back at your house last night." It's like he completely ignored my "it doesn't matter" point. 

I roll my eyes and begin to walk past him, back in the direction of the cafeteria, "I'm less interested in your immortality than I am in your firsthand account of the cultural revolution that was disco." I say it just to lighten the mood a bit and point out the absurdity of his concerns about my approval of his existence. But he is really amused by the throw-away line and actually really begins to crack up more than I've ever seen from him previously. He's clutching his stomach and his head is tilted back. I'm pretty sure he's mainly just relieved that I don't want to burn him at the stake and not really all that amused by my brilliant comedy. And still, I'm happy just knowing I could provide this for him. He looks to me and shakes his head, smile remaining, and begins to pace over to where I am on the journey back to the cafeteria.

"ugh, but if I tell you all my stories you'll think I'm some sad grandpa reliving his glory days" And with that, we walk back to join our piers that we really couldn't relate less to. He's the only one I speak earnestly with. I don't have to pretend with him. He doesn't understand me completely but he doesn't mind that. We're on the same frequency, and we're on even ground. 

I look at him and I couldn't possibly see anything but the warm amber eyes and crooked smile. He is no monster from horror film, nor some grandpa struggling to hold onto his glory days. We had a rough start but with this honesty, I can only see our friendship growing stronger.

This is what I'm thinking as we walk through the doors to the full cafeteria, all eyes on us. Edward quiets his remaining chuckles and I follow his lead to the end of a sparsely seated table, the least populated in the room aside from those surrounding the Cullens'.

Every eye in the room was glued to us then but as I make eye contact with the only table that matters, just one of the many gazes sticks to me. I'm not bothered by any of the looks, I just walked in with my friend. I am worried about the reaction of his family however, even such I'm still too happy with Edward to pay much attention to most of them. The one that sticks, sticks like honey on my fingertips I want nothing more than to lick up. And with such a big truth bomb in our friendship just dropped, I decide that total honesty can wait a bit for me and Edward. He can't read my thoughts, I can hide my feelings. At least for the foreseeable future. We can get around to complete honesty at a later date.


	2. Do you feel it too?

Edward and I sit silently for a minute or two to wait until the lunchroom chatter resumes at full volume, and then we talk.

"Ok. Ok, you don't need to tell me about the '70s.", I pick up the joke that seemed to ease his conscience in the hall. He smiles and rolls his eyes. 

"I don't think you need to - or want to for that matter - hear my whole life story." He avoids eye contact by looking around the room and scaring off any of the remaining eyes watching us. 

The stillness in his posture gives away his discomfort at the topic. I can't stand knowing that my words cause him any negative feelings and I'm quick to try and bring back the lightness of the conversation. "Hey, I don't need the full story if you don't want to tell it," I look him in the eyes and make sure he sees my good intention, "it'd probably be too long anyway, I don't have a very long attention span.", I finish with a grin. He looks down with a smirk on his face, then over to his siblings' table, and rolls his eyes (maybe he's been 17 for a while, but he's still 17).

This causes a slight panic to erupt in my chest, "What? What was it that I said?". I'm worrying enough about using the right words to talk to Edward about this, he seems to like joking around it, but maybe his siblings don't feel the same and I've caused offense.

He looks back to me with an annoyed yet still playful look in his eyes. "Rosalie thought the joke was in poor taste." My worries showing to be true, I look at the table, embarrassed, and mutter a "sorry" under my breath. Though I care deeply about keeping a good image with each of Edward's family, I'm quite exhausted, it has been a long day for my mental state and I feel powerless around Rosalie.

"Hey," he quiets his voice as though the table halfway across the large room can't still hear him, "she's always had such pessimistic predictions when it comes to change, even when I took the 'dangerous' risk of saving you from Tyler's van." He says like it means she doesn't hate my guts.

"I can't blame her, change scares me too. I was terrified about moving to Forks and starting school here." I give him a shrug and a half-smile, trying not to show my insecurity about Rosalie's disapproval of me and Edward's relationship. It's like it wasn't enough that she makes me feel insecure just by how beautiful she is. 

He looks at me more seriously now, "Seriously, don't worry. Rosalie dresses up her fear as anger. And the others thought it was hilarious by the way." My embarrassment from offending Rosalie mixes with a new embarrassment from knowing that every word I say is being listened to by four people I'm not talking to. Even in the busy Italian restaurant last night, it felt like Edward and I were in a universe of our own when we were talking. I love the feeling of talking with him alone but now even if we spoke in the faintest whispers, the other Cullens will always be able to hear our private conversations. 

It's not that I say things I don't want them to hear, but the words I'd like them to hear are words chosen and meant for them each specifically. I really would like to get to know them individually, especially if they are anything like Edward.

He reads my silent thinking as further worry, which is only half true. "Don't worry so much about what thinks Bella. Even if none of them liked you I'd still be sitting here talking to you." He's the only one I feel like I can be honest with, but I'd do anything to see him smile again.

"No, no" I hope my punctuating chuckles sound genuine, "I was just making a mental note to make sure all of my jokes from here on out are only the best. I can't be telling sub-par jokes if my audience of one is actually an audience of five.". I bring my focus back to reality by concentrating on the ever so slightly shifting color in his eyes as he cracks a smile of relief.

He starts to lift up from the table "Maybe you can think of some good ones on the way to bio", and with that, he begins to walk toward the door and I become aware of the dwindling numbers in the room. I hurry to get out of my seat and catch up with him.

As we arrive to the biology room it's all eyes on us: part II. I'm getting more and more used to the staring the more I stand within 6 feet of Edward Cullen. I'm still not a fan of having people's attention but I guess the attention is really on him rather than me. 

Though our classmates note our shared tardiness, our teacher is later to the class than Edward and I. When he comes in he's wheeling a cubically shaped television strapped to a wheeled cart. Once it's he's in, he gives some speech about visual learning while setting up the tape for today's lesson. I don't hear much after the lights are turned off. 

I feel chills and suck in a breath, rubbing my arms. It's like a static shock on the entire left side of my body. If the heart palpitations I have when sharing a space with Edward wasn't enough, in seems darkness heightens my awareness of him so close. Before I pulled my arms in, ours were nearly touching. And though there is still at least a foot of space between our bodies now, it feels like we are close enough that I can feel a radiating chill from his skin.

It's hard to resist the urge to reach over and touch his frigid marble skin. There's no hope in understanding the lesson on the screen that provides the only illumination in the room. Instead, to resist my urge I stare off at the corner of the room and dig my nails into the palms of my hands, focussing on controlling my breath in hopes that it'll quiet the intense pounding of my heart. With all the more motivation knowing that Edward can hear it.

By the end of the class when the lights are turned on I realize just how futile my efforts were, my body forcing me to take a big gulp of air like I was underwater during the whole lesson rather than just being in the dark.

I look to Edward, curious about what just happened to me and if he felt it too, he looks just as intrigued. As I open my mouth to speak and get interrupted by the end of class bell, I realize I didn't have any words prepared to say and pick up my bag to follow the flow of other students out the door. Once outside and a few steps from the room, Edward catches up to me and we greet one another with awkward smiles. I still haven't got any clear question in my mind, just an ambiguous form of confusion in the shape of the energy between us. We walk to the gym in silence, apparently, he has no words either.

As we approach the point where we part ways, I turn to wave goodbye and head into the locker room so I can escape the scramble Edward has reduced my mind to. But as my hand reaches up, he grabs my wrist in a tight but tender way. I draw a stuttered breath and look to him for what he has to say, mouth slightly agape with stupid shock.

His expression mirrors mine, only calmer. Mouth open, as if he is going to speak but instead he closes his lips and opts to express himself at this moment by stroking my cheek with the knuckles on his hand that is not holding mine. And with that, he leaves.

Through dressing and instruction, warm-ups and volleyball, I run on autopilot, producing more athletic mishaps than I regularly produce. I leave school as speechless as when I came in this morning.

I get home and to preoccupy my mind I go through menial chores, laundry, dinner, and homework. After a shower, I sit on my bed and brush my hair. As I finish putting it into two braids and lay down to try and let sleep take over my body before Edward can take over my thoughts. With the light of the moon streaming through my window, I didn't stand a chance of finding sleep in time. 

I get up from my bed and give up on repressing my thoughts. Sitting by the window and looking out into the darkness I'm back in the biology classroom, the moon taking the place of the tv. I open the window and as the wind comes in, I close my eyes and it's the electric chill from this afternoon. My mind plays through all of it again. Except,

by the time we must part, as he holds my arm and brushes my cheek so delicately like I'm made of porcelain,

I see two faces.


	3. Admission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella begins to come to terms with her own secret, knowing that if she has to keep it from everyone else, she can't keep it from herself while staying sane.

In the morning, though I stayed up late by the window I still remember my dreams. Quite vividly. I thought I had my secret figured out with two simple rules: 1) don't tell and 2) don't let it show. But with this connection I felt with Edward, my feelings are being confused. I know that he is just a friend and there is no way we could ever be more, but this feeling could only be described as magnetic. We fit like puzzle pieces but I feel more disconnected from my core now than ever and even my dreams focus on this conflict I feel.

Edward and I were walking towards the gym but in the dream, there is no real destination. And I'm looking away out of embarrassment. What happened in the dark was identical to what happened before with-when I first saw-

And with the continuation of the dream, I plan a silent goodbye but when I look up I know I'm in a dream because, in reality, only Edward was there. In my dreamland, there are two to bid me farewell. Edward grabs my wrist, true to real life. But the one who strokes my cheek with icy fingers is-

I don't even want to think it. It was easier to hide feelings in Pheonix when I faded into the background and never made genuine connections. What does it even mean to feel this way with more than one person?

Before I get out of bed to begin the day, I put this to rest. I only take what happened yesterday as a sign that Edward and I's friendship is growing stronger and this is something to be happy about. I push thoughts of any others out of my mind for now. It's hard enough to wrap my head around my relationship with Edward, it would be stupid to let myself obsess over a relationship that has yet to even really exist.

I sit up in my bed and calm my frantic thoughts, focussing on making a to-do list for the day. It's Saturday and Charlie is at work. I decide I'll prepare meals for the weekend, that should help me waste away at least most of the day. I'm not naturally great at cooking but living with my mother through her food network phases, I've got a lot of recipes and cooking techniques saved up in my brain. I start with a few slices of french toast for my own breakfast. I'm not very hungry but french toast can take a while to make. 

Remembering the ingredients I reach into the fridge to grab the eggs. The cold surface of the carton and the chill of the fridge lick up my arm. I see the faces from my dreams, feel the cold on my cheek. The eggs are on the floor. I close the fridge and stare down at the mess on the floor in shock and embarrassment for a moment before I can move and rush to clean up the mess.

Cleaning up and avoiding the cause of my distress, I remember that I could also go grocery shopping to spend the day. I scrap the meal prep plan and don one of my largest jackets, and my thickest gloves. It's only mid-September but I layer anyway, I was even cold on my first day in this town back in August. The warmth is a comfort and now feels like a protective layer. I wind a scarf around my neck and I'm out the door. 

My plan to put layers between me and the cold is successful. I get through the grocery trip unphased by the frozen foods section. Ringing up, the cashier-who knows me of course-is amused by my hard time adjusting to the weather here. I give her a small smile and laugh through it with her, trying to resume my spacing out. I try to walk as slow as socially acceptable back to my truck, carefully placing every bag from the cart to the truck. 

When I put the supplies away in Charlie's kitchen I take my time stocking the shelves, memorizing the place of each ingredient, taking note of everything we have for future reference, the more I familiarise my mind with everything's place, the more this place feels like home. Once I'm done I'm reluctant to remove my cushion of clothing though I've been inside for a time now. I decide it's silly and ease myself back into being comfortable by taking a hot shower.

Inside I shake my head at my own over-cautiousness, bare under the nice hot water. I move at a snail's pace, massaging my scalp with my strawberry shampoo. I close my eyes and the scent reminds me of home, I pretend like I'm there. The illusion only loosely takes form in my head before the hot water begins to run cold. The cold. I see Edward's face before lukewarm turns to cold. I remember the electric charge between us and I miss being near him, wanting to reach out and have him there. But as the water feels more like ice raining down, I feel the brush on my cheek and I see her from the dream again. Her face, her hand on mine. 

I give in to the train of thought I've been suppressing since I first saw her in the cafeteria. I picture her soft beauty, perfect, like that of a goddess in an ancient oil painting. Her ballerina grace and her gorgeous golden eyes. Her intricately modern style and timeless features. For this moment I feel warm inside even with the freezing chill on my skin. The sweet butterscotch of her gaze looks at me with love. But the butterscotch melts to chocolate, then ebony, and soon they are shadow. Her irises are indistinguishable from her pupils as everything darkens, including her expression. Soon she is looking at me with disgust and I'm in the freezing rain, helpless. She turns her back and I'm on my knees with pain eating up my heart. Rejection.

And I suffer the consequences of facing my feelings. The inevitable is that I will never get what I want. I will never get love. I'm hopeless for her and she's already happy with someone else, I couldn't give her the same. She wouldn't want it from me.

I scramble out of the shower, drying myself and keeping my hair up to leave the feeling behind. The cold and bitter feeling of loneliness. I get to my room and pick up the first book on my nightstand to escape into some other, far off, perfect reality. I pick up the required reading for my English class. I know I've read this book multiple times before, but I need a quick distraction.

"Love is heavy and light, bright and dark, sick and healthy, asleep and awake - its everything except what it is!"

And with that I recognize my feeling, I've fallen and now I'm hurt. I drop the book to the floor and gently lay myself down onto my bed. My brain can no longer compute anything, even pain. Only mid-afternoon, my brain has gone into sleep mode, exhausted from emotion. And so I follow it and close my eyes. With my last bit of waking thought I repeat to myself: don't tell, don't let it show.

I can have her in my dreams but not in real life. Knowing I'll see her there, I look forward to the sweetest of dreams and indulge myself in speaking her name to myself before I slip into sleep. 

"Alice..."


	4. Easing in

I wake up groggy, not knowing what time it is. Not knowing what day it is. My room is dark, save for the light of the moon streaming through my window, and the green light of the alarm clock on my nightstand. The clock reads 12:56 am. It's just past midnight and I must have gotten about the same amount of sleep as usual. But I still feel sleepy, it lingers like a fog over my brain that doesn't want to leave. I don't know why I've even woken up, there aren't any signs of disturbance in my room and I don't hear anything anywhere else in the house. 

I begin to sit up but I've got a blanket hugging my body, like its holding me down. I feel bad, embarrassed. This must've been Charlie's doing once he got home and had to get dinner himself. Thinking about it makes me hungry, I realize I haven't had anything to eat today. Or I guess yesterday. 

I remove the old blanket and make myself stand up, to walk around a little before I venture to the kitchen. Once I stand up I feel cold, I pull the blanket back around myself and I see topaz outside my window. When I rush over, I see only the tree which brushes against the glass. What I saw must have just been the reflection of the moon on the leaves. 

I turn on a lamp so that the darkness can no longer play tricks on my eyes. The warm light fills my room and creates a cozy ambiance and I feel peaceful, safe. I sneak down the stairs, not wanting to wake Charlie who has been nothing but accommodating. I find a container of Chinese take-out on the kitchen table. Charlie got some for me though he didn't need to, I smile at his generosity but place the box in the fridge, not wanting to use the noisy microwave. I opt for some cereal instead. 

Heading back up the stairs I feel so paranoid, thinking I see another flash outside the front window. The wind is probably just picking up, and my mind is just making shapes out of shadows. Nonetheless, I am too unsettled by my feeling of not being alone to go back to sleep. I am still tired but I'm not jazzed by the idea of going to sleep with the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. I pick back up my required reading for English, this time aware that the book in question is Romeo & Juliet. This time prepared for the talk of their love of sadness. Also aware that this is not my story. 

While reading I sit by my window to ease my made-up nerves. I take my time reading the book over again, I don't remember how many times I've read this story in particular but I am fairly versed in the plot and themes. I enjoyed most while learning about Shakespear, the history of his productions. I imagine the grandiosity of the sets in ancient, long gone theaters. I picture the actors in intricate costumes, beautiful gowns. I find this review very calming and tiring. My eyelids droop and I need to re-re-read lines to fully comprehend the words. I still don't feel alone but as I look out once more beyond my window, I know it's only me. Only my brain making up a presence to compensate for my feeling of isolation. 

I decide to pull out my cd player and make sure the volume is low. I play some delicate instrumental music and open my window to hum away my imaginary anxieties. I calm my breathing and look out. I choose the moon to sing to, knowing there is no real entity outside to which I could direct my song. I begin at a hum but soon I sing. I sing softly outside and bask in the cool moonlight. I feel seen and I feel heard. I keep singing as the moon begins to sink. Once the cd is through I say my goodbyes to this midnight lullaby and head back for my bed feeling light, perhaps it is the remaining holes in my heart. But I feel at peace knowing that my own worst fears are nothing but hypotheticals and shadows in the night.

I lay down, hearing the breath fill my body and leave nice and slow. I ease her into my thoughts, no longer holding my feelings hostage. In my sweet state of mind, I let the warm fuzzy feeling surround me as I picture her darling face as I begin to drift to sleep.

I see her.  
Her eyes, soft and knowing. understanding.  
Her hair, perfectly disheveled and spiked. so cute.  
Her smile, light, and caring  
Her runway stature, I imagine walking towards me, arms open, beckoning me to dance with her. We are wearing Elizabethan gowns and swaying in a ballroom with a glass roof framing the stary sky as it lightens with the coming sun. She leads me to a door that brings us to a balcony. We sit atop a cliff looking out over the dense forest, full of ghouls and monsters of horror unknown. But she, Alice takes my hand and begins to hum a melody, and I join her singing. Our arms outstretch to bridge the now growing gap between us. I notice she is lifting up into the sky with the descending moon. I shed tears as her fingers leave my grasp and the heat of the rising sun warms away her icy touch. I look down upon the fright infested forest and watch my tears fall. I gather myself and turn to the sunrise opposite. I walk through the ballroom to leave but through the door comes Edward dressed in gold. He presents a hand to ask me for a dance.


	5. Venture

I wake up and it seems my sleep hadn't lasted long, the sun is coming up and shining in ribbons on my floor. This must be why I woke up so early. I remember where I am and how rare this is, it seemed to be almost part of my dreams at first. I've noticed that every dream I've had since moving to Forks has included the sun's bright light. I miss it so much. 

I walk over to the window and feel grateful to have this bit of home I had in Pheonix warming up my home here. I pick up my to-do list from the day before and cross off the groceries, checking the other things I should get done today. I decide to start right away and head down to get some fuel. Charlie is there and arranging to pack his fishing gear into his car. Once he sees me in the room he goes into his usual I-can-stay-if-you-want-me-to rant. I don't understand why he feels so bad about me being in the house alone, I've always been busy on the weekends anyway. Thus, I reassure him with my usual it's-alright-I've-got-stuff-to-do response. I even help him pack his things into the car to get the guilty look off of his face, but it seems there is more on his conscious about me at home than just my loneliness. 

"You're just spending so much time inside, I think you should get out a little bit, not just for school you know?", he says while avoiding eye contact, typical Charlie. This surprises me a little though. I'm even more surprised by his proposed solution for his concern. "Maybe you could come with me fishing sometime." To say I'm taken off guard is a bit of an understatement.

I sputter to find a quick excuse to get me out of this. "Well I have been a bit deterred by all the clouds, I'm just not used to it. I think it'd be nice to go out on the days like today. I'm not inside 24/7, Ch-dad." After the words have left my mouth I'm running through them picking out all the things I should have edited and tack on "I think I'll actually get outside today to make the most of the sun. Maybe get some reading done." Clearly he also needs a moment to digest and he nods and looks off into space. 

"Alright Bells, I'm not trying to drag you outside. I just want to make sure you're doing well when I leave." He finishes with that dad smile like he's proud of what he said, like he'd give himself a pat on the back if he could. 

"Yeah dad, I know." I give him a smile and make sure he sees it. "Maybe I'll go for a walk or something." 

"Ok ok, I get it. I'll see you later then." He gets into his car. 

"Good luck dad, bring home something good for dinner." And he's off. And I'm standing in the driveway. I realize I don't want to leave the sun or the warmth it gives my skin. 

I don't want to waste my time inside today when I should be cherishing this piece of home. I head inside and pack a bag to take with me on a walk through the nature surrounding the house. I grab my copy of Romeo & Juliet, a notebook and pen, and a blanket. I dress, pack a lunch and I'm out the door, into the forest.

I have no plan in mind at all for which way to go. I find a gap in the trees and follow my gut, stepping under the canopy of green. I step with great caution and take my time, not wanting to have any marks to let Edward know I went against his word to stay away from the woods while I'm alone. With him in my thoughts, I need to step even slower, more distracted. I think about my friend and how he bowed in my dream to offer his hand. It's been dancing at the edges of my brain all morning, I find it's good to let my thoughts roam as they will. It causes such stress to keep everything locked up. So I face the image.

I see his playful puppy dog eyes looking up through his eyes but they're different than Alice's, less intense. I skillfully avoid a branch on the ground and ponder the possible symbolism of the sun and the moon in my dream. I remember the advice I read once in a book about deciphering dreams (discarded after one of Renee's phases), the advice was to first think about the feelings you get from the images. I come to the obvious conclusion that my feelings for Alice need to be kept much more secret than my feelings with Edward as I scale a fallen tree to continue my walk. I felt like lightning hit me as soon as I entered the cafeteria and spotted her that first day and I've had to ignore the electricity in my veins each time I'm within her proximity. I could never let it out, there's no one like her and it just doesn't seem like a safe topic to bring up with Jessica and Angela in the same "girly talk" way they discuss their male romantic interests. In my dream, she floated out of reach and as I gave up, Edward presented a hand.

I guess the dream really mirrored how things played out in real life, just without the dancing and intricate gowns, unfortunately. I'd seen Alice and become swept up in the feelings she gave me, hopeless when realization struck me that she would never be mine, then Edward offered me his friendship. Edward wasn't a plan B or fall back. He had interested me before of course with his own strangeness, to say the least. He'd been there, I'd just been blinded by the grief I was feeling over the loss of part of my heart. I feel very grateful for Edward's friendship, we're on the same page. I guess I really must be an old soul to get along with a hundred-year-old immortal. I'm looking down at my feet to watch for the uneven ground but notice that it's no longer uneven, I've found a flat patch of grass with a good amount of sun exposure. For a moment I worry about finding my way back home but that can wait, for now, I just prop up a rock on the base of a tree to signal to future me the direction from which I entered this clearing.

I spread out my blanket and lay down to soak in the sun. As I close my eyes and see the brightness through my lids, I resume my ponderings. What comes to mind is the first time I caught feelings in Pheonix: feeling suck. But I try to move past my instinct to distance my feelings, knowing that doesn't work. 

It's hard to think of him separate from his sister. They aren't biologically related, never have been. If they were still mortal they might have no similarities whatsoever, but their eyes have the same tone. They both are inhumanly beautiful. But they are not the same. Even the topaz in their irises, they don't melt the same. It is impossible to explain how wildly they differ while also having wildly similar characteristics. In my mind, I try to name the differences. Alice definitely has prettier eyelashes, she has more grace, though I'm sure Edward could achieve such grace if he tried. Picturing their faces I wonder if maybe the differences are only made up in my head by my personal connections to each of them. Beginning to think more on those connections I feel like the most hopeless dumbass in existence, Alice and I have close to no history of personal interaction.

The first time we made eye contact I nearly fainted. Whenever Edward mentions her name, my heartbeat picks up. Each time I enter the cafeteria I hold my breath in preparation just to see her because I know I'll be devastated once I see her. I'm hopeless to her. Just the thought actually makes me blush. Even facing my stupidity, I want nothing more than to see her, be near her,...

With Edward, I also want to be with him, just not in the same way. I felt that electrical current between us and I don't discount that. It's even easier with him because things flow naturally and we can actually be close. Whereas with Alice, I know I could never have her. Maybe that makes her even more desirable to my dumb little brain. 

The gears in my brain are turning too much and seem to be working against me. I try to tune all of it out, focusing on my surroundings. I open my eyes and look up and the trees pointing towards the sky. I look around and notice the moss growing up tree trunks, I see wildflowers and bees and,

something moving in the bushes...


End file.
